Women’s Friendships in Transition: Coping When Friends Leave
Dr. Lauren Muhlheim is an American Psychologist who works at Parkway Health.
My friend Debbie, who has been in Shanghai for 2 years, has had several friends leave recently and several more have announced their upcoming departures. In reflecting on this sad state of affairs, Debbie said, “When Susan leaves, the last of my original group will be gone. I don’t want to go to another goodbye lunch. I can’t do this. It’s too sad.”
Much has been written about the experience of the person moving overseas, from the stages of acculturation and culture shock through to the difficulties of repatriation. Less has been written about this aspect of the expatriate experience – specifically about what happens to those of us left behind when friends move on.
In my unscientific polls, people generally find it harder to be left behind than to leave. Debbie told me the same thing. She said that she has lived in many places and finds it harder to have friends leave than it is to leave herself. The following posting on answerbag.com summed it up quite nicely:
Having experienced both I dare say it is easier to leave than to be left behind. One leaves and enters a new environment and undergoes new experiences and finds new interests. This helps them to ease the pain/memory of what is left behind. However a person who has been left behind, or whose dear one has left, still remains in the same atmosphere wherein he/she is continually reminded about the missing person. This can be a more numbing experience.
As women, our friends are vitally important to us. Renowned American feminist psychiatrist Jean Baker Miller theorized that a woman’s sense of self is dependent upon being able to maintain relationships. In Toward a New Psychology of Women (1986), she wrote, “Eventually for many women, the threat of disruption of connection is perceived not as loss of a relationship, but as something closer to a total loss of self.”
The values of friendships are plentiful. Friends provide company, increase our sense of belonging, purpose, and self-worth. They help us through the tough times and are there to celebrate the joys with us. They help with completion of practical tasks as well. Research has shown that regardless of circumstances, supportive relationships generally enhance physical and psychological well-being.
When living in a foreign culture, our friendships take on added importance. Most expatriate families have left behind all of their home support systems: extended family, friends, babysitters, medical specialists, counselors, business contacts, sports teams and hobby clubs -- literally everyone they normally would turn to for assistance in any aspect of their lives. As a result, expatriate families tend to reach out to one another as surrogates for those we left at home. As strangers in a strange land, our bonds are even tighter.
Perversely, at this time when we need support more than ever, we inevitably make attachments with other expatriates who are themselves transients, and we must deal with these losses repeatedly. People are always coming and going with little warning.
According to Third Culture Kids, Pollock and Van Reken’s study of “the experience of growing up among worlds,” expatriates have different ways of dealing with the transient nature of friendships. Some expatriates jump into relationships, others are much more cautious. Frequent painful goodbyes make some unwilling to risk emotional involvement again.
In an effort to protect ourselves from the pain of loss, Third Culture Kids notes that there are 3 types of maladaptive coping styles. Some may consciously avoid developing close friendships in order to avoid the pain of grief when their friends leave. These people end up with a pain of loneliness even greater than the one they are running from.
A second popular protective response is the “quick release.” When friends are about to leave, some peoples’ response is to let go too soon. They may stop calling, visiting, or spending time with their friend. They may act as if the friend is already absent from their world before they have physically moved.
A third protective response is the refusal to feel pain. Some people refuse to acknowledge the feelings of hurt they feel to others or to themselves.
How should we cope?
Say goodbye
It is very important to say goodbye to significant people in our lives. The goodbye lunch, though dreaded, is one way. It is a ritual that acknowledges the importance of that relationship and says, “Thank you for being an important person in my life. I will miss you.”
Express your feelings
Remember that losses inevitably produce grief. It is normal to feel sad and it is far better to express those feelings than to keep them bottled inside. Writing a goodbye note and letting your friend know you will miss her is a good way to do this. Keeping a journal is another good method.
Use the support network
If you and the person who is leaving had a group of friends in common or were part of a particular community, it can be healing for those remaining friends to come together and support one another. If that is not the case, it is still helpful to share your feelings with someone who can be supportive. This will reduce your feelings of isolation. Talk about your feelings of sadness. When other friends express feelings of sadness, express empathy and allow them to feel their sad feelings rather than trying to cheer them up. The latter tends to hinder the expression of feelings.
Rely on family
The time when your friends are in flux can be a time to pull in more tightly with your family or your spouse if you came here with them. Use them for support during times of transition.
Remain open to new friendships
It’s easy when you get settled in and comfortable with a group of friends to say to oneself, “I have my group now. I don’t need any one else.” However, since you never know whether your friends are going to be stable, try not to shut yourself off from making new ones – those best friends of yours may be on the next container shipment out. It’s also great to have multiple groups of friends as an insurance policy. Similarly, keep your connections to those you care about back home or even those from the past who live elsewhere.
As she discussed her sadness over her friends’ leaving, Debbie added, “But I just met a new family. My daughter has a friend and I met the mother and she seems really nice.” Reach out to new families who have arrived. This is a good opportunity to help them out – remember how hard it was when you arrived. It’s also an insurance policy; people who’ve arrived after you have a better chance of out-staying you!
Use the internet to stay in touch
As expatriates we have a beautiful opportunity to make connections with a rich variety of people. The problem with so many relationships is that they simply can’t all be maintained. Consider yourself fortunate to have this kind of problem! There are so many resources available now for staying in touch with loved ones all over the world – email, blogs, and social networking sites all keep us closer. Even though I haven’t seen some of my college roommates in 10 years I know that every time I open up Facebook I can see their smiling faces. Friendships with those who are now far away can be reactivated.
Take care of yourself
During times of change and stress it’s more important than ever to take good care of yourself through exercise, good nutrition, regular sleep, and a little pampering (foot massage, trashy novel, etc.). Research shows that engaging in pleasurable activities boosts mood while staying at home and moping sets one up for a cycle of depression.
A positive framework
We must accept that pain is part of life; if, out of fear, we don’t take risks, if we shut ourselves off from opportunities, we will impoverish our lives. Friendships make our lives meaningful. It may be helpful to remember the proverb, “‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” I like to think that every friend who touches us lives on inside us.
Some people come into our lives
and quickly go
some stay for awhile,
leave footprints on our hearts,
and we are never, ever the same.
~~by Flavia Weedn~~