School Daze: Helping Your Children Adjust to School in Shanghai
By Barb Shaya
You’ve moved to Shanghai, the kids have their school uniforms, you’ve figured out the morning routine so you can get to the bus stop on time, and the kids know how to find their classes. You’ve made it – kids are settled! Not quite. For many of us the selection of an international school was done swiftly and with little more than superficial information – a quick tour with a smiling docent while jet-lagged in the midst of the look-see trip; scouring the school’s website; and perhaps a few long-distance email conversations with a friend of a friend. Below are some thoughts on how to help your children through this overwhelming transition.
Acknowledge Their Sacrifice
Chances are your kids didn’t have a vote in whether to move to Shanghai, let alone which compound to live in and which school to attend. They’ve given up their Abercrombie T-shirts for a crisp new uniform. They may be riding a bus for the first time, or enduring a much longer commute. There is more homework. Play dates and social interactions outside of school are harder to schedule.
Help children fill the void of lost friendships until they can develop new ones. For younger children, this may mean that you become their playmate. Sit on the floor and play board/card games. Ride a scooter around your compound. Give them more of your attention than usual. For older children, give in to electronics. Allow them more time emailing and chatting with their friends back home. Initially, it may seem like those friends are the only ones with whom they interact. For now, they need this anchor.
Give It Time (Resist Catastrophising)
When moving to a foreign country, the entire first year is an adjustment period. Be cautious of high expectations. If your child comes home with a bad grade, step back, take a deep breath, and assume that it is a symptom (of stress) rather than a result (of not trying hard enough). A bad grade, or even a bad semester, is not going to sentence your child to a life of hard labor.
My daughter, a math whiz, brought home her first math test with a score of 68%. Shock. Breathe. Think. Upon investigation I learned her Scottish math teacher had the thickest of brogues and an unfamiliar math vocabulary. We met with the teacher and formed a bridge to help our daughter understand him better. In time her math performance improved.
Don’t Judge a Book By Its Cover
Just because an international school is “American” or “British” or “French” does not mean that the teachers are all trained in these countries. The accents, the discipline methods, the philosophies, and even the reasons for wanting to be an international teacher are as varied as the student body. Try not to assume that school will be a familiar environment merely because it touts your home country in its name.
Ting Bu Dong
About a month into his first school year at a bilingual international school, my youngest son, then 6, came home sobbing “Nobody talks English at school!” While the main curriculum was, in fact, taught in English, his experience outside the classroom was a different story.
One of the best ways to help your child is to jump over this hurdle together. Take Mandarin lessons. Daily you can share the new words and phrases you have learned. Go to the market and try out your newly acquired skills. Allow your children to correct your pronunciation - a humbling experience indeed
Don’t Blame It On China
It’s easy to forget that life wasn’t perfect back home and that our children were not always happy there, either. Childhood and adolescence is full of change – mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually – and some of what our children are struggling with would be happening wherever they were living.
Mourn the Losses
One of the peculiarities of expat living is the high rate of turnover within the community. Friends come and go at an alarming pace. It can be difficult to muster up the energy to invest in a friend when you know they will only be here for a brief period of time. Yet, investing in friendships is critical to self-development. Talk with your children about the sadness they feel when a friend leaves. Help them incorporate the friendships into lasting memories and experiences they can build upon. My daughter has a deck of cards and has friends sign a card before they leave. This turns the goodbyes into an accumulation of memories. For younger children, create a memory book with pictures and a few lines about what they enjoyed doing with each friend.
Create New Family Routines
With extended family far away, it is important to create new rituals for family time. Build in some that are uniquely Shanghai. One of our favorites is the family foot massage. Another is family movie night (cheap DVD’s – need I say more?). Shanghai is a perfect launching pad for travel to many interesting places. Involve the children in choosing destinations and then researching specific sights to visit.
The New Normal
As different as life may seem, know that your children are surrounded by kids with lives just like theirs. Most expat kids see very little of one of their parents due to long work hours. Each new semester friends leave and potential friends arrive. Our children are tested and stretched in endless ways. They will cry and laugh, feel anxious and empowered, love Shanghai and hate it. They will become stronger and more capable than you can imagine. This is not the end of the world (as they will tell you at some point) but the beginning of a world of possibilities.
Barb Shaya is a mental health counselor and President of the Shanghai International Mental Health Association. You can learn more about both at www.s-imha.org.