Relationship Conflict: When It Goes Too Far

By Barbara J. Shaya, MA, LLPC, NCC

There is nothing like an international move for straining the most idyllic of relationships. Add to that the probability that a couple brings with them at least a few unresolved issues and it is no wonder that relationships are taxed when thrust into a foreign culture, far away from family, friends, and familiar routines. Couples often find themselves resorting to their worst behavior – taking their frustrations and feelings of being overwhelmed out on each other. Arguments may become more heated, louder, and in some cases, nasty.

How can you tell when things have gone too far? When does normal, less-than-stellar behavior cross the line and become abusive? Domestic abuse can be a confusing concept. Many people define domestic abuse as the use of physical violence. However, it is important to understand that psychological abuse is as detrimental as physical abuse. Domestic abuse includes any behavior used by one person in a relationship to control the other.

Abusive behaviors include (but are not limited to) the following:

• Ignoring partner’s feelings
• Name-calling and put downs
• Ridiculing and insulting partner’s most valued beliefs
• Humiliating partner in private or public
• Withholding approval, appreciation or affection as punishment for perceived wrong
• Continually criticizing partner
• Keeping partner from contacting family and/or friends
• Denying partner access to transportation
• Withholding money
• Refusing to socialize with partner
• Manipulating partner with lies, denial, blame, and contradictions
• Excessive jealousy and accusations about imagined affairs
• Threatening to hurt partner or family
• Destroying furniture, breaking things, punching walls
• Regularly threatening to leave partner
• Wielding a gun, knife, or other weapon in threatening way
• Pushing, shoving, slapping, hitting, kicking and worse

Partners may be married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated, divorced or dating. Victims can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, educational level or economic status. Although both men and women can be abused, most victims are women.

Children in homes where there is domestic abuse are more likely to be abused or neglected themselves. Most children in these homes know about the abuse even though their parents think they are doing a good job of hiding their difficulties from them. Children in these homes will likely suffer emotional and behavioral problems.

While many people have done some of the things listed above in the heat of an argument, the behavior becomes abusive when it moves beyond an isolated incident and becomes a pattern of behavior meant to control the partner. Victims of domestic abuse begin to doubt their own judgment and wonder if they are crazy. Victims will express their thoughts and opinions less and less freely. They will monitor their partner’s moods closely before bringing up topics. Victims will ask permission from their partner to spend money, see friends, take classes, or use the phone. Victims ultimately lose confidence in their abilities and become increasingly depressed, feeling trapped and powerless.

Individual counseling can provide the necessary support to victims of domestic abuse. Victims can learn to identify the extent to which abuse is present in their relationship. They can create a safety plan for their self and their children, grieve the loss of the partnership they wished for, and rebuild their confidence and self esteem. Each and every individual has the right to a life free from verbal, emotional, and physical abuse.

Barbara J. Shaya is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor, licensed through the State of Michigan. She counsels adults with diverse issues including: depression, anxiety, alcohol and substance abuse, domestic violence, sexual assault, grief, divorce, and adjustment difficulties. Ms. Shaya may be contacted through the Community Center Shanghai-Pudong at 136-3631-7474 or email at counseling@communitycenter.cn. Further information about Ms. Shaya can be found on the Shanghai International Mental Health Associates website:  www.s-imha.org.