Making It Work

By: Annemieke Esmeijer

Ingrid can’t believe what the doctor just told her. Four months pregnant and her blood test is positive for an STD. She feels the blood drain from her face and her legs get weak. It’s not possible! She and Erich have been together for 14 years. They’re happy; there are no secrets between them … or are there?

PATRICK’S MIND STARTS WANDERING during the meeting. “Focus, you fool!” he tells himself. “I’ve got to pay attention if I want to make this new strategy work.” It all began so innocently, browsing some chat rooms for a language teacher when they arrived last year. Now he’s entangled in a web of lies, hiding things from his family, unable to find the stamina he needs to succeed in his current job. He rests his head in his hands. “Is this ever going to end, will my life ever be normal again?”

The names might be fiction, but many of us have heard – or, worse, even experienced – similar stories in Shanghai. Marital infidelity does happen. And whether it’s more common here or not, we all want to prevent it from happening to us.

So how can we ensure our marriages will endure and grow with the pressures of work, family and living abroad?

First of all, couples need to understand the emotional processes they’ll go through when they move abroad – from the initial thrill to the feelings of loss that quickly follow. 

At the beginning of the expat assignment, couples experience a period of excited adjustment. Working spouse(s) are eager to start their new jobs. Parents will be occupied helping children adapt to school. And trailing spouses may find themselves looking for work, helping out at school or taking a language course.

Quick on the heels of the initial settling will be feelings of loss – professional identity for the trailing spouse, loss of network in the form of family, friends and colleagues or the leaving behind of a house, activity or pet.

These dueling emotions of excitement and loss may elicit ambivalent emotional responses with spouses feeling disconnected and misunderstood.

Couples can combat these potential relationship rifts through sharing and listening. Sharing what’s going on in your daily life and listening with gentleness and patience creates a foundation to form a new bond together. For example, on the same day one partner may feel energized while the other gets home feeling depressed. Both positive and negative emotions can be shared; it’s all part of getting adjusted and staying connected.

But staying connected requires planning and creativity. Activities and routines you previously shared – house renovating, gardening, family walks in the woods – may not be available here. So ask yourselves what you and your family members need in terms of sport, time apart and time together. Then, brainstorm ideas together. Some families take turns in deciding how to spend family time. Other couples set a weekly date night to catch up and relax together. Living in Asia also may provide opportunities for travel that don’t come as easily back home.

Emotions can be overwhelming, ambivalent and confusing. When negative emotions exist for long periods of time, when you feel stuck or out of options, professional counseling may help to get you back on track.

Resource: Get an overview of the support available in Shanghai at the Shanghai International Mental Health Network website (www.s-imha.org). Don’t hesitate to make a few calls or visits until you – and your spouse – have found a counselor that is right for you.

Don’t:

† Don’t think “An affair won’t happen to me.” Western men especially are a target. Realizing this and knowing we all have our vulnerable moments may motivate us to think about how we want to avoid possible temptations and how to protect ourselves in “risky” situations.

† Don’t allow lies to get between you. When something has happened that you regret or feel insecure about, share it with your partner. Over and over, I’ve heard spouses say that the lies are as bad as or even worse than the secret.

† Don’t stay passive when you feel the relationship is slipping. Bring it up in an open, non-blaming way. Of course, every relationship has its ups and downs, but if you notice the “bad weather” is developing into a “bad climate,” it’s time to jump into action.

† Don’t allow work to take over everything. One woman commented on her life in Shanghai: “It feels as if we are on a three-year long business trip. He thinks he needs to be available for the company 24/7.” In the long term, people perform better and stay healthier if they find a manageable work/life balance.

Do:

† Discuss the rules on how to deal with work situations. Are you okay with alcohol at business dinners and, if so, how much? Is it acceptable to visit bars or do karaoke at night? What is a good time to get home after a social gathering? The partner at home and the one who’s doing the entertaining both want to feel good about how time is spent. Check with each other regularly.

† Invest time and effort to stay physically connected and attracted. Strengthening the sexual relationship and looking pleasing to each other helps to keep the focus on the two of you. Is your partner still happy with your weight, how fit you are and the way you dress?

† If your spouse comes to you with a confession, try to limit extreme emotional outbursts and blaming. A confession usually means the person has regrets and desires change. True, wrong behavior is wrong behavior and should not be justified or accepted. Also true: We’re all imperfect beings who need forgiveness from time to time. We’re not morally superior to our spouse. Many couples find new meaning and happiness when a relationship gets a chance to heal after something has gone wrong. (Though take note: Be alert to the difference between offering someone a new chance and being a codependent to someone with addictive behaviors