High-Pressure Expat Life Strains Marriage Vows

Shanghai Daily

By: Sam Riley

June 25, 2008

ANNEMIEKE Esmeijer has a very particular kind of clientele. They are usually high achievers, extremely motivated, intelligent and successful. But for all their personal attributes, they are in her office because there is something they can't fix - their marriage.

Esmeijer is a marriage counselor for expats at the Community Center Shanghai and she deals with the fallout when the fast-paced professional lifestyle impacts her clients' personal relationships.

"The issues my clients come in with are usually related to communication, intimacy, sometimes specific troubles around a child who is not adapting well and also work/life balance," Esmeijer says.

The pressures on professionals in Shanghai are huge, says the therapist from the Netherlands. It costs companies a lot to send experts to Shanghai and usually the people are very capable, responsible and high-functioning.

"But those pressures can sometimes become quite overwhelming, not only for the professional, but also for the family," she says.

The challenges of starting a new life in a country with a completely different culture have an effect on all expat marriages.

More temptations

The experience can be positive and the couple can pull together to make it.

"However, sometimes that is not always possible, with one partner not even working in Shanghai or regularly traveling," says Esmeijer.

It may be practically and emotionally difficult to share things with a partner. One may be working extremely hard or may not communicate comfortably at home.

"It (the situation) may be much more (that of) two people on their own adjusting to their new life, and that is a much bigger burden," she adds.

Esmeijer sees couples and individuals whose partner is reluctant to attend.

While long hours and high pressure are predictably tough on ties, Esmeijer says, many expats also face more temptations that did not present themselves at home.

"People are more exposed here because there are so many visitors, so you take someone to dinner, go for a drink, sometimes there are more social activities expected, especially if it is a marketing or sales position," she says.

Paul (not his real name) is a high-level professional in his 40s, with two children. He was under great work pressure and encountered many irresistible younger women.

"Because the working hours were so long and so intensive, it was almost a payback to go out for a few beers, and in the course of that meeting up with some very nice people," says the Englishman.

Before coming to Shanghai five years ago, Paul says he enjoyed a "good little family unit that I felt quite secure in."

To break a cycle of cheating, Paul sought counseling 18 months ago, without telling his wife.

"It was like an addiction and I could see this getting out of control and I would hurt my family and also the people I was with," he says. "I suppose I'm in a relationship detox center and my counselor is helping me to see things the way they are."

Paul describes counseling as a long-term process that allows him to talk to someone non-judgmental, who can help him see what has gone wrong.

While admitting to "occasional relapses," he says counseling has helped him focus on his children and being a good father.

For Jane (not her real name), a 34-year-old "trailing spouse," counseling did not save her marriage.

Speaking via e-mail, Jane who refuses to give her country says she is finalizing a divorce and has left Shanghai.

The life she describes is one of excruciating isolation. She says she had few friends to turn to when her marriage started to sour and had sought counseling though her husband was unwilling.

They spent two troubled years in Dalian, northeastern Liaoning Province. There was not a big expat community.

"We didn't have any friends beside colleagues from work and we reduced our private life to work. That was a mistake.

"When we moved to Shanghai, my ex-husband became blinded by a 'sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll' lifestyle. His career success made him lose his grounding," she says.

Jane says she feels lucky to have "survived" the collapse of her marriage and doesn't regret her decision to leave and get a divorce.

She is not bitter about the expat life in Shanghai.

"It is just difficult sometimes," she says, "and you need a social network and friends to share your thoughts and feelings."