By: Erin Vidler Romanuk. LMSW, ACSW

Appeared in The Spirit, The American Women’s Club of Shanghai Membership Magazine, October 2009

As adults, we all know, understand, and accept that living in Shanghai can be overwhelming and stressful. We have all experienced the problems with finding the right ingredients for a recipe, the taxi driver who will not take us where we want to go, the feelings of isolation and loneliness that can happen when are spouses are traveling, and the heartache we will for not seeing extended family members on a regular basis.

But, have you ever stopped to think about the unique challenges children and adolescents face while living in Shanghai? Their experiences, while different from adults, are no less challenging, frustrating, or taxing. Nevertheless, children and adolescents, like adults, will also benefit a great deal and grow as individuals during their time spent in Shanghai.

Adolescents and teenagers, especially those attending international schools, will be faced with many school pressures. Many adolescents have high expectations of themselves, not only in the area of academics, but also in extra-curricular activities such as sports, drama, and music. These children will be faced with the task of balancing school, extra-curricular activities, homework, family, friends, and time for themselves. Their self-esteem could also be negatively impacted by being a part of an international school community. They might begin to compare themselves to others in terms of athletic ability and academic ability. Some students might have attended “public” or state run schools at home where the demands and pressures might have been perceived as different.

Children could also experience a form of grief and loss on a regular basis. Friendships have a tendency to develop quickly living in an international community, especially when children feel that someone understands exactly how they feel and what they are going through. In addition, as children grow older, their peer support system becomes more important to them than their family support system. One constant about living in an international community is that people will always be arriving and leaving. One of the hardest aspects for our children is when their friends leave with little to no warning. Given the current economic times the world is facing, this scenario is all too common. Children might not always have the opportunity to properly say good-bye to someone who meant a great deal to them.

Children and adolescents are also viewed as being exceptional or extraordinary within our greater community. If a child appears different from the population by having features such as fair skin, light hair, a larger nose, or light eyes, they might warrant unwanted attention from others. Children and adolescents might have their picture taken without their permission, be touched without their permission, or be picked up by someone without their permission. Even though these acts are harmless in nature, children and adolescents might still feel uncomfortable.

Adolescents might be faced with the temptations of alcohol, tobacco, and drugs. Often, adolescents are able to access alcohol at local establishments regardless of their age. Experimenting with alcohol, drugs, and tobacco is considered by some experts to be a normal stage in reaching adulthood. However, if your child were in your home country the laws may be enforced differently. Peer pressure also a natural occurrence during these years. Peer pressure combined with the accessibility of drugs and alcohol that many of children and adolescents will face can create problematic situations.

Parent’s hectic schedules could also be a source of stress for children and adolescents. Often times children and adolescents have one parent who travels on a regular basis, if not both. They might be left in the care of an Ayi or family friends for periods of time. If this type of situation occurs on an intermittent basis, then your child might not be impacted. However, if this is a weekly or monthly occurrence, your child might experience some difficulties. Children and adolescents crave boundaries and structure. Furthermore, they need consistency to feel safe and they need some level of predictability. Without structure and predictability children and adolescents might struggle to cope with normal day to day activities in their life.

Some children and adolescents will be able to cope with living in an international community with ease. However, it is not uncommon for some to struggle and experience difficulties while trying to adjust to living in Shanghai. As a parent, you need to be aware of changes within your child and be available for them. The first six months of living in a new environment can be exhausting for all members of the family. However, pay extra close attention if your child begins to experience: significant weight loss or weight gain, sleep pattern changes, school refusal, if their academic grades change suddenly, if they talk of suicide or other self-injurious behaviors, if they use alcohol, drugs, or tobacco consistently, if they have prolonged sadness or anxiety that does not seems to go away with time, if they never want to socialize with friends, if they display physical aggression or violence, threaten to harm others, or display increased defiance, arguing, or defensiveness.

As adults we have had many years to develop and modify our coping strategies. We have even been able to learn from the difficult situations as to not repeat the same mistakes in the future. Children and adolescents have not had the same opportunities as adults to develop their coping skills. They will need support from the adults in their lives to make sense of the new, rewarding, and challenging situation they are living in. Adult support can come in various forms, from parents, coaches, teachers, and counselors. Children and adolescents will need to have positive adult role-models to look at when they are uncertain of how they should behave. They will also need to be given room to make mistakes and to have “bad” days. As adults we need to encourage them to not give up, listen to them, validate their feelings, and problem solve with them.

You know your child better than anyone else would. You know what “normal” behavior for your child is. If you do have concerns about your child or adolescent please do not hesitate to seek out support for your family. You can start by talking with your child’s teacher or school counselor, family physician, or spiritual leader. If need be, there are many resources within the Shanghai community that can be of service to you.

Erin Vidler Romanuk, LMSW, ACSW is a licensed clinical social worker from Michigan. She is a counselor at the Community Center Shanghai – Pudong. Erin is also a member of the Shanghai International Mental Health Association (SIMHA).